It’s not more of the same. Was feeling good then had a sudden turn of weather.
What does feeling bad feel like to me? In a word – exhaustion. My head hurts, my stomach and chest hurts. I feel like a rubber band stretched too tight. This has been happening far too often lately and I think Allah (Subhaana Wa Ta’aala) is telling me it’s time for a change.
I think Allah (Subhaana Wa Ta’aala) is trying to tell me to slow down and live with more intention. Intention is not scrabbling for power in the darkness, smacking away every human being that comes close. Intention is grabbing what you got and going after it.
Problem is, I don’t know what I got and I don’t know what I’m going after.
In other words – I haven’t planned my year yet. I know – it’s February.
As I said before, I hate planning. I hate disappointing myself.
But I’ve recently shifted my perspective on planning. Planning is simply a tool to help me show up with – you guessed it – the right intention insha Allah. If things go well, Alhamdulillah (thank God)! If not, thank God! Perhaps something better will fall into place.
Better late than never.
May Allah (subhaana wa ta’aala) help me get over my allergy to planning. May He make my week of rest and reflection productive and inspiring. May I be set up practically and spiritually for the rest of the year. Ameen!
May Allah (subhaana wa ta’aala) grant us success in this life and the next.
I am going to do something I don’t do enough. I am going to be honest.
Brother and sister, I am truly too exhausted to make art.
It’s been a draining couple of years. My life has felt like a train-wreck and I have been trying desperately with my petty mortal hands to control it.
I have expected situations to be different but they haven’t been. I have expected people to behave a certain way but they haven’t. Things have changed when I had hoped they would stay the same. Things have stayed the same when I have prayed they would change. But the details are unimportant.
My feelings are not. I have disappointed, sometimes angry, exhausted all the time.
I’m sleeping like crazy. I can’t eat. I can’t think. I have absolutely no creative energy to tackle anything long-form like a screenplay or a novel. The thought of a deadline makes me want to vomit.
Alhamdulillah I have written some poetry, though.
I think it’s about time that I took an extended period of rest. Regroup my spirits, learn to forgive myself and others, find my footing a little maybe. Or learn to just let it slide and accept Allah (SWT)’s plan for me.
As soon as I say that though, some strange demon in the depths of my belly stands jumping up and down, making scratch marks in my inside, shouting with the voices of my parents, a thousand teachers from over the years.
“You have no right to relax! People like you, less-than-geniuses, have to work your butts off to get anywhere – I mean ANYWHERE! – in life! Full tension every day all the time! That’s the price you pay for being born the way you are.
What have you achieved in your adult life? Nothing.
Has your writing changed anyone’s life? No. Not even your own.”
(This is not true. I’ve discovered a lot of things about myself and others through my work. Though it has been private, it has definitely been transformative.)
“Have you made your mark on the world? Like your heroes, Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye and Ani DiFranco? Have you made any of those mind-blowing films you keep dreaming of? Have you rivaled Mr. Scorsese or Mr. Kauffman? “
(Is it really necessary for me to change the world? I thought my work was for Allah (SWT). Then it simply is what it is, the story truer than the truth. It’s my duty to tell it, whether anyone cares to listen or not. Whether it changes anything or not.)
“What don’t you have enough of? Time.
What are you getting? Older. You’re 25 years old, 26 next month. Every day brings you closer to middle age and motherhood. Increased responsibilities, lower energy levels and your already poor time management skills will simply fall apart under the pressure.”
I ask real people for advice and it is always conflicting.
“You’re trying too hard.”
“You’re not working hard or smart enough.”
“You’re too young.”
“You’re too old.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“You’re resting too much on your laurels.”
I find myself facing a mountain. Make this film. Write this screenplay. Find collaborators who are as excited about your work as you are. And for a while, I feel energetic. But then something happens, not really a discrete incident but just something else. Something outside of me. Maybe my father calls and or my mother or some boring administrative task takes up my entire day and my body just sinks beneath despair.
I feel like the world doesn’t want me to write or create. Perhaps Allah (SWT) is trying to tell me that my destiny is to be mediocre and house-bound like a not particularly cute cat.
I find myself fighting with the people I love. Not being able to tell them how I feel. How lost, alone and confused.
It’s time I took a little time off from the rat-race insha Allah. Whatever I’ve been doing hasn’t been working. This means finding a new path. Maybe recalibrating my beliefs. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing. On the contrary, I think the fact that I’ve written so little has contributed to my exhaustion.
I’ll worship a lot more. I need it more than I think.
I’ll exercise too. Take long walks in nature. Run around after children (will somebody please lend me their children kthx), kung fu, kickboxing, aerobics maybe.
I’ll spend a lot of time outside of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to people and my interactions with them. Maybe I’ll try explaining spoken-word to my husband LOL. Yesterday, I showed him “When Love Arrives” and his mind just went blank.
And yes I think I will spend a lot of time writing. I will try insha Allah to rediscover the play in art, try to refill the well a little bit. Maybe I will work on a long-term project but as something fun, not as something that’s ever going to see the light of day.
I’m not going to be telling you how it’s going because the aim is not for it to be going anywhere.
I’m just going to be myself for a while. I’m going to find out what that means insha Allah.