Bismillah ir Rahman ir Raheem
Assalam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatahu.
Peace, glorious peace.
It’s a hard-won battle, inner peace. But its victory is sweeter than I’ve imagined by the grace of God.
I recently let go of a dream I’ve held since I was a kid. Becoming a director.
I’m laughing even now thinking of myself being a director. It’s just not who I am anymore. At least not for the moment, anyway.
Ya Allah, what serenity it is, knowing who you are? After my troubled adolescence and downright melodramatic early twenties, this feels like a goshdarn oasis in a desert.
This is what happened: I took an internship at a movie here in Denver. I thought I would cut my teeth in the filmmaking world, learn, grow, breath, find my feet and maybe add director/producer to my screenwriter on my resume.
A film set is loud. Busy. Picky. The ones who run that film set (director, producer, AD) must obsess over details.
I’m not a details person. I’m more of a big-picture kind of person. And that level of anxiety is not something I can handle, at least not yet.
And planning? God, my own life is difficult to control. How can I control a film set with perhaps hundreds of people on it?
So I gracefully bowed out. I’ve clumped out on other projects, so my grace on this exit surprised even me.
I came back to screenwriting. Glorious, glorious screenwriting. For a week or so, I wrestled with my fears. The usual Asian ones. Destitution. Ridicule in society. Loneliness.
But mostly just destitution. Money is a fickle god.
My hubby has been a gem during all of this. He’s never put pressure on me to bring home more (halal) bacon. His only concern is for my happiness.
I figure there’s a reason why God gave me these respectable jobs during the recession and then kept shoving me out over and over again. I think He was telling me, “What are you doing wasting your time? Chill out. I got this.”
I’m finally listening.
So screenwriting it is, for better or for worse. Insha Allah (Allah willing) it’ll be for the better. But only time will tell and only God knows.
Perhaps none of this makes any sense to you.
I’ve decided to screen-write full-time. I hope that makes sense at least.
The Happy (and screenwriting) Muslimah.